What I Wish for Parents and Guardians
As an Early Childhood Educator, I have had many conversations with parents and guardians about raising children. Also, most of my friends have had children of their own. I have conversation after conversation with all these parents and guardians, urging them to grant themselves grace. Why? You might wonder. I don’t have children of my own, what could I possibly know?
I know it’s easier said than done. I know when you’re at your wit's end and exhausted, ready to throw in the towel, your child will do something so sweet and wash away all the day's frustrations. I know that tomorrow is a new day. I know that just by having a child and loving them, you are stronger than you think.
I also know that you aren’t talking to other parents because you’re embarrassed by something that you have done that was less than whatever standard of perfection you have set for yourself. I know this because I have had countless parents tell me about close calls, their cheeks burning red with embarrassment but needing to unload the guilt and knowing they will not be judged. I had two parents, unbeknownst to them, tell me within seven days of each other, that their infant had rolled off a couch or a bed. Both times luckily, they landed on something soft, and no harm was caused. These things happen in the blink of an eye. One moment your child is laying there, not able to roll, and the next they are halfway across the room. This does not make you a bad person or a bad parent. Children are unpredictable. Please note though, if accidents are happening a lot, there are support groups and programs that you can take in your community to help you feel and be safe.
No amount of planning or preparation prepares you to be a parent. There is no black and white. There is no handbook. Every single child is different and develops differently. What is not different is the love that you feel for that little human. What is not different is that other parents and guardians are sitting at home, crying by themselves and feeling like they aren’t doing a good enough job.
You can take all the training on development and think that you know what you are doing, but then your child throws you a curveball and has sensory processing disorder or is so relaxed that they seem as though they aren’t developing at all. There is nothing to prepare you. Grant yourself grace and remind yourself that your child is happy, healthy, has clothes on their back and food in their tummy and they love you so much.
If I could encourage you to do one thing, it would be to be open and honest about what is going on behind closed doors. You’ll find that so many people are going through the same or similar feelings and experiences as you. I believe that together we can start to rebuild our village.
When I was growing up, it took a village to raise a child. I played in the green space in our crescent. There was no worry or fear that I would not be okay. All the neighbors were watching all of us children and making sure we were safe and fair to each other. Any adult could speak to a child if they were in the wrong and explain why. I’m not sure exactly when the village fell apart, but we don’t do that enough anymore. We don’t look out for our neighbors or our village. We worry too much about what they think instead of asking for their advice. We ask Google how to handle situations instead of asking the experts.
You are all the experts. You know your child best and what worked for them or did not work for them. Share that wealth of knowledge, it could help someone else that is also struggling.
Be humble. You can offer your advice and share your experiences but that doesn’t mean it will work for others. Remember, every child is different. What will happen, is discussion. You can tweak the original method and now it works for someone else. There are also times when we are too close to the situation or issue that we develop tunnel vision. Outsiders may be able to offer a new perspective; be humble enough to accept it and try it. What’s the worse that could happen? It might not work and you’ll have to go back to the drawing board and that’s okay too. Remember? You grant yourself grace now.
Repetition and time will be your friend. It takes half the child’s taught behavior in months to unlearn that behavior. If your child has been hitting for 2 years (for example), it could take between 4 and 12 months to change the behavior. Do not give up. Reach out to your parent friends and vent. You’ll need the release to regroup and face the next day. Build your village and do not be embarrassed to vent, one day you will be someone’s shoulder to lean on as well.
You can also ask the Early Childhood Educator in your life what they think. They see your child interacting with groups of children that are the same age or at the same development level and have been with many children from many different backgrounds. They might have insight that they would love to share with you. Again, you will not be judged. These humans love your child and want the best for you and your family. They also want to work with you, not against you, so please be honest when you speak to them about your struggles and your successes as they can influence your child’s day and gives us inside knowledge on how to help them have successful days. When your child enters a care facility, they become part of that family and by extension, your entire family becomes one with us. This is a great place to network and meet families that are experiencing all the things that you are. Say hi to the other parents at drop off’s and pick-ups. Ask them questions, they might have the same question, or maybe they have the answer. You won’t know until you try.
Be brave. You are already so brave to sign up as a parent or guardian of a little human. Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it. Children learn from your modeling. If you present that you are brave, they will learn to be brave. So go out there, say hi to another human with a child and enjoy the most rewarding experience you will ever have.
You got this! You’re doing a great job. Read that again.
Today marks the first day of a new adventure. I will be brave and I will grant myself grace as I learn how how to express myself with writing the way that I would like to.
❤ C.
